


Just A Walk Away Jim

by Geritashipper123



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Blanket Permission, Death, Established Relationship, Fear, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Old Age
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-11-01 05:47:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10915575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geritashipper123/pseuds/Geritashipper123
Summary: "How lucky I am to have someone who makes saying goodbye so hard" - Winnie the pooh





	Just A Walk Away Jim

**Author's Note:**

> So someone requested this ("WHAAAAAT ALI YOU TAKE REQUESTS?!" yes I do random person who said that! drop me a line on tumblr!) and they wanted a fic to the song "Walk Away Joe" by Trisha Yearwood. I listened to the song once and I ended up being very NOT OKAY.
> 
> So, since I am incapable of writing Jim as being anything less than totally smitten with his husband, this kinda went in a different direction than "Walk Away Joe"- I hope the requester still likes it!
> 
> I made myself cry while writing this, so yeah. Also, some suggested listening- "Walk Away Joe", obviously. But also "A drop in the ocean" by Ron Pope, and "Lay Me Down" by Sam Smith.
> 
> Dedicated to the requester and Trisha Yearwood!

His father had warned him. He’d warned him multiple times this would happen. 

Spock hadn’t cared. He’d bonded with Jim, and he was  _ happy.  _ He really was. Selek would help them make sure their story didn’t end like his, it was his wedding present to them.  They ensured that Jim didn’t die aboard the  _ Enterprise-B  _ and Selek had died and  _ everything was alright. _

… Not quite. 

At first, it was perfect. Of course it was,  _ Jim  _ was perfect. His father would still warn him though, quietly remind him that Jim was human. Spock had thought he was ready for this.

He was not.

The soft beep of the heart monitor made him sick, and the antiseptic smell gave him a migraine every day. It didn’t matter- he went, every day. He had formed a routine you see- wake up, shower, feed the cat, make himself eat, go to the hospital, kiss Jim on the forehead, read to him or do work sitting at his bedside, sponge bath  _ (Those young blonde nurses were not allowed to see Jim without clothes on),  _ go home, ignore the empty chair at the table, sleep in the guest room, sleep like hell or lay there until an acceptable time to see Jim came, repeat the next day. 

Some days were better than others. Jim slept a lot, and Spock had overheard some nurses talking about how his  _ soul was just preparing for final departure  _ or  _ he doesn't want to go while awake- _

But some days, Jim was awake. He would actively eat when Spock fed him (most of the time), listen to the stories Spock told like he remembered who the man sitting next to him was. Some days, he even smiled.

There were bad days too- Jim would become fearful, knock his food away, sob until Spock couldn’t bear not to sedate him.

Those were the absolute worst days, because those were the days Spock knew that Jim  _ wanted  _ to leave, the days that he would whisper  _ just go ashayam just go anything but this- _

Those were the nights where he would go home and expect the call that Jim had passed away in the night.

It was a waiting game at this point- Spock knew that. He knew that any moment now, Jim would breathe his last. Jim wouldn’t come back to their apartment, Jim wouldn’t say he loved Spock again- 

Jim was  _ dying.  _ His everything was dying.

The thought made Spock freeze where he was washing his hair.  _ Jim was dying.  _ He knew it as an objective fact, but that was the first time he had ever thought the word.

_ Jim was dying. _

What… what was he supposed to do with that? What was he supposed to do with that thought? Cry because he was losing his husband when he had already known that and cried plenty? Be happy that Jim wouldn’t suffer? Make a plan on how to follow-

_ No! Jim would hate you forever! _

Spock’s knees buckled, and he ended up on the ground of their shower, knocking the shower door open. He sat there, numb. His skin became covered in goosebumps, and the water ran until he was sure the water bill would be through the roof.

_ The bills. He’d have to take Jim’s name off all the bills. He’d have to spend money on a gravestone and a casket and a funeral and make sure that Starfleet didn’t turn it into a media circus- _

There was a mew, and Spock snapped out of it. He smacked off the shower, drying himself off and pausing to gaze at himself in the mirror.

Did… did his hips used to jut out like that? Was he always able to see all of his ribs? And when did he… when did he become so wrinkled? 

_ Perhaps it is a good thing Jim is not coherent. He would find you completely undesirable. _

Spock went back into the bedroom, putting his towel in the hamper. He opened the closet. Jim’s clothes still took up half of it. He guessed- and that was what Jim reduced him to,  _ guessing-  _ that he was supposed to donate them to a consignment shop or something. But Jim’s treasured flannel, his command shirts, they stared back at him. How was he supposed to just…  _ sell Jim’s clothes?  _ The same clothes that he had ripped off of Jim more than once. Jim had paid for those clothes- wouldn’t Jim be offended?  _ Illogical, if you are selling his clothes then Jim is- _

He grabbed a shirt and slammed the closet closed hard enough to throw the sliding door off it’s track. They’d bent the track a long time ago when Jim had tossed Spock against the closet door one rather  _ ravenous  _ time. Swallowing, he pulled the shirt on only to realize it was one of  _ Jim’s.  _ A cornflower blue button down. Spock stared at the sleeves for a moment, then went to the drawers to get a pair of khakis. He put on his shoes and went out into the kitchen to feed the cat. He felt dazed, numb.

_ Jim was dying. _

The hospital was close enough to walk. It was pouring rain, and Spock forgot an umbrella. He decided against going back up, simply walking out into the rain. He hunched his shoulders, probably the picture of a lonely old man. His hair had barely even gone grey.

_ How many more years would he live?  _ As many as Selek? Was he too destined to die in an alternate universe? Dear  _ god. _

Some kind samaritan tried to stop him, offer him money for a taxi. For once, Spock didn’t pause to respond, just kept walking. He was glad for the pouring rain- if the sun had been shining it would have been worse. The sun shouldn’t dare to shine when his world was ending.

Most of the nurses at the hospital know his name, either because he’s famous or because he comes there every day without fail. He could walk to Jim’s room in his sleep.

Only once he gets to the door does he realize that he didn’t just forget his umbrella- he forgot  _ everything.  _ His bag, his PADD, his wallet, even a belt. He hadn’t even tucked in his shirt, and that was an old habit. He’d forgotten to guilt himself into eating breakfast, an important step in his routine. 

The nurse who was taking Jim’s vitals was named Ashley or Aubrey or Audrey or something. She was pretty, and she smiled when he walked in. 

“Hey, you’re late.” she frowned “And soaked. Is everything okay Mr. Kirk?” 

_ You cheated on my test Mr. Kirk.  _ Spock didn’t respond verbally, just shaking his head. Her eyes went soft, and sad. Like she had been expecting him to break, any day now. It was possible she had been- he’d been playing the waiting game for months. “He’s awake today.” She whispered, like Jim couldn’t hear her. Sure enough, once she moved to leave blue eyes were staring at him. The door shut behind her with a soft swish. The radio was playing.

Spock took two steps, then his knees buckled again, and he managed to get himself into the chair where he always sat. He sat there dumbly for a few minutes, trying to think. What was he supposed to-  _ why was he- _

Suddenly, like a switch was flipped, his eyes were filling with tears. He surged forward to kiss Jim on the forehead like he did every day, lips lingering. He squeezed his eyes shut, reaching down to take Jim’s hand.

_ “Go.”  _ he half sobbed. “Jim just  _ go.  _ Don’t stay here, don’t suffer just-” He sobbed, knee’s giving out again.  _ “I want you to go.  _ Go find Doctor McCoy or Nyota, go find the ship just-” the sound he makes is painful as it tears out of his throat, and he squeezes Jim’s hand so hard he might break a finger. “Just don’t stay here and suffer. Not for me. Not-” He squeezes his eyes shut against the cold bedsheets.

“I cannot do this anymore.” He breathes. His hand slides away from Jim’s, and he stays there, kneeling by his husband’s bedside, numb. 

Cold fingers touch him, comb through his hair. He allows the touch for almost a full 5 seconds before he turns his head to snap at the nurse who is touching him.

But no nurse is there. 

Blue eyes are focused and alert for the first time in… god, nearly a year. It’s been almost a year since the last time Jim was truly himself. But now, he stares at Spock, stares and rakes his fingers through Spock’s hair. Spock thinks he’s so beautiful.

“Ji-” his voice chokes off and he gulps greedy at the air before he opens his mouth to try again. He’s interrupted by Jim’s hand sliding down his cheek, thumbing at the tears. Jim keeps staring at him, and the world is frozen.

Jim rests his fingers on the side of Spock’s face, over the meld points. His gaze is serious, and Spock swallows thickly. He doesn’t understand-

_ Spock! _

The mental shout brings fresh tears, and his throat closes up. His whole body is shaking as he presses Jim’s hand to his cheek and rises.

He’s tried melding with Jim. But the fog over his mind, the exhaustion and sickness of old age- it grew to be too much. He stopped being able to find Jim. The last time he’d melded with Jim, he’d gotten a nosebleed, ended up sick to his stomach. On Vulcan-that-was, only young children suffered so after a bad meld. 

But Jim was clearly asking, and Spock couldn’t deny him anything. 

So he pressed his fingers to Jim’s cold, lined, haggard face. He closed his eyes, and he pressed-

 

* * *

 

_ “Oh god, you’re so thin.” _

_ Spock opened his eyes to what was once the shared mindscape of their bond. It had become fogged, clouded, decrepit with grief and worry and sickness. But now, it was glowing once more- not quite the bright glow of every color and then some that it used to be, but softer. Just as beautiful. And Spock was laying in- _

_ Jim’s mental image was glowing, healthy, perfect. And for a few moments all he could do was stare up at him from his position with his head pillowed on Jim’s lap. Spock started to sob anew.  _

_ “Spock. Oh god, Spock- no, no baby don’t cry. Please don’t cry sweetheart. T’hy’la, my heart, no more tears love…” Jim helped him sit up, then cupped his face and wiped his eyes. Jim held him, shushing him gently until Spock regained his control.  _

_ “Jim.” Spock swallowed thickly, trying to push the lump in his throat away. “Jim. I-” _

_ “Sh.” Jim leaned in to kiss him on the nose, then both cheeks. “Sweetheart. Just… God I’m so sorry.” _

_ Spock blinked “For what?” _

_ “Just- you’re so thin.” Jim whispered “You’re so thin- you look like you haven’t slept in a year.” _

_ Instinctively, the thought from earlier about Jim finding him unappealing flashed across his mind, and Jim groaned, pressing his face into Spock’s shoulder. “I could never, ever find you anything less than perfect.”  _

_ “I…” The rest of that morning came in flashes, and Jim curled against him. “I am fine-” _

_ “Liar.” Jim grumbled “Don’t lie to me. Not right now. You’re hurting. I’m- I’m hurting you.” _

_ “No.” Spock said after a moment “You are hurting yourself.” He pulled away from the hug to look Jim in the eye. “Jim. You are holding on.” _

_ “Yeah. I don’t want to-” _

_ “Go.” Spock whispered, squeezing Jim’s hands. Jim blinked, then frowned, shaking his head “No. No I’m not…” He hugged Spock close “I’m not leaving you.” _

_ “Jim.” Spock mumbled into his shoulder. _

_ “No. I’m not leaving you.” _

_ “Jim.” _

_ “I’m not. I’m not doing that to you.” _

_ “So you plan to live forever?” Spock felt an irrational surge of anger. “Is that your plan, Captain? Continue holding on? Force your body to stay alive just so I can sit there every day and watch you waste away?” Spock pulled out of Jim’s arms to glare at him. “Do you see what your life is like now Jim? You either sleep all day, or sit there and stare at nothing aren’t you-” His throat flexed as he tried to hold his tongue, but found he could not “Aren’t you sick of the hospital? Of the smell? The walls? Have you memorized the stains on the floor and the spots on the ceiling tiles yet? Do you hear how the nurses talk about you? Do you enjoy getting sponge bathed and fed through an intravenous tube, barely able to do more than spit and make waste? Do you enjoy knowing that I go home every day to that damn apartment and wait for the sun to rise so I can see you again?!” _

_ He’s shouting by that last line, and Jim is staring at him strangely. Spock stares back at him, trembling. “How much longer are you going to drive me crazy for, Jim? Because after all these years you have finally figured out how to drive me insane.” _

_ “Spock…” Jim whispers, bowing his head. “I know. I know you’re hurting. I’m sorry.” He looks at him once more. “I’m scared.” _

_ Spock feels the anger flood out of him, and Jim keeps talking. “I’m scared to leave. I don’t know what comes after this. And I’m scared of what happens to you-” Jim’s eyes grow wet and he grabs Spock’s hand “You’ll be all alone. At least Selek had his friends- all ours are dead. Your dad is dead. You… You’ll have to bury me, you’ll have to take care of the apartment and… and maybe you’ll throw yourself through a black hole like Selek or maybe you’ll die in some painful way and I won’t be there to save you or-” Jim swallows “I don’t know what’s worse- you dying in pon farr or you taking another mate for pon farr. And I don’t want to-” He inhales sharply. “I’m not ready to say goodbye to you yet.”  _

_ “Jim…” Spock squeezed his hand. “Jim. We always knew this would be the end.”  _

_ “I don’t want to walk away from you.” Jim whispered, squeezing his eyes shut “What if we never see each other again? What if the buddhists are right, and we reincarnate and we just forget this- how could I ever forget you? Spock, I don’t want to never see you again.” Jim looked up at him, truly terrified. _

_ “... you have read the princess bride.” Spock said softly, “You have quoted it to me. “Death cannot stop true love, only delay it for a while”, Jim-” Spock cupped his cheeks “I hold the entire world in my hands at this moment. If there is a god cruel enough to wipe our memories and send us off to another life, I will find you. I will find you and my soul will know yours and it will be the same love story, only even greater.” Spock leaned in to kiss Jim on the forehead, and Jim sobbed.  _

_ They embraced, and Jim kissed him, soft, a promise.  _

_ It was not a goodbye _

_ It was a see you soon. _

 

* * *

 

BREAKING NEWS ALERT, FAMOUS STARFLEET ADMIRAL DEAD AT 126 YEARS OLD

_ … Admiral James T. Kirk died from complications of Heart Disease at 9:56 this morning… Admiral Kirk served as a captain for several years… USS Enterprise, fleet flagship… “The admiral didn’t feel a thing,” source says… “died happy”... Survived by his husband, Captain Spock Kirk of Vulcan. _

BREAKING NEWS ALERT, ROMULAN PLANET SAVED FROM SUPERNOVA

_ … the romulan sun went Supernova today at approximately 0237 hours RPSGT… Evacuation plans instigated by Ambassador Spock Kirk of Vulcan… Son of the late Sarek of Vulcan… Husband of the late Admiral James Kirk of starfleet… Romulans to begin peace discussions… _

BREAKING NEWS ALERT, ROMULANS JOIN THE FEDERATION

_ … Effort headed by Ambassador Spock Kirk of Vulcan…  _

BREAKING NEWS ALERT, ROMULAN VULCAN REUNIFICATION

_ … Effort headed by Ambassador Spock Kirk of Vulcan…  _

BREAKING NEWS ALERT, JAMES KIRK ACADEMIC AUDITORIUM UNVEILED TODAY

_ … donations made by Ambassador Spock Kirk of Vulcan, husband of the late Admiral James Kirk of Starfleet… hall where Kirk was accused of academic cheating… “Fond memories” Ambassador states… _

BREAKING NEWS ALERT, VULCAN AMBASSADOR DEAD AT 163 YEARS OLD

_ … “he died happily.” family friend says “Because he was going to see his family again. It is quite illogical, but I don’t doubt he’s with Jim again. {laughs} Grandpa Hikaru would always tell me stories about them. Grandpa Ben would agree. I’ll bet my grandpas are up there teasing him about taking so long right now {smiles} they always were family.”  _

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE COME CHECK ME OUT ON TUMBLR www.flamingbluepanda.tumblr.com
> 
> SEE YA NEXT TIME


End file.
